Asperger's vs. Me - The Saga Begins

Well, strangely, I'm not quite sure what I want to write about today.  I've been thinking a lot about what I'm trying to do here.  I started out just trying to provide hope to people in general, you know.  I still want to do that, but I think I'm developing a more specific purpose.  I really think I need to be here to help people with Asperger's or the family members of people with Asperger's.  Because I've been able to work through so much of what I've struggled with, I feel like sort-of an in between person.  Maybe a bridge between Asperger's and - well - other people.  Sometimes it's painful to think about.  Sometimes I really just want the Asperger's to go away.  Sometimes it clouds my vision, makes things seem different than they really are.  And it's rough sometimes.  It can be depressing.  But there are great things as well.  Like when I actually talk to someone I don't know and have a genuine conversation without the other person thinking I'm nutso (sometimes I get that feeling.  Either they really think I'm strange or I just think they think I'm strange, if that makes sense.  Either one is quite possible).  Often I'll go and talk to Mom while she's in the kitchen and I'll tell her how exciting it was, I actually talked to someone!  I can never quite tell what she's thinking.  She kinda nods her head and says, "Good" without too much emotion, like she's really trying to be excited for me haha.  It just isn't as big of a deal to her, which I guess makes sense.  I've really never thought about this . . . I'm interested to hear what she has to say after she reads that.  And now I'm kinda lost - that often happens when I'm trying to think about people and emotions and why people do the things they do and act the way they act and say the things they say and make the faces they make when there's clearly a more logical way to communicate (that's me letting my Asperger's speak, by the way.  I'm not that ignorant.  Not all the time, that is).  Haha people are confusing.  They are probably confusing to everyone, but more so to people like me.  Anyhow - I was kind of planning on writing a little bit about what it was like to learn I had Asperger's.  I'll move onto that.  O.o

I've always thought I was different.  I believe I've gone into that a little bit in my other posts.  In fact, when I was little, I used to wonder if I was retarded or something and everyone else knew but me.  Maybe everyone tried to treat me normal so I would be happy.  It doesn't make too much sense now, thinking back on it.  But it was a real feeling.  For a while I thought I felt different because I was home schooled.  That seemed to make sense.  Then I went to school.  I still felt . . . home schooled.  That strange feeling inside of being different that I had come to relate with home school didn't go away.  It couldn't have been my religion - I felt that way at church too. 

Random interruption before I move on (my brain gets to jumping around sometimes).  It goes along with what I'm trying to say.  This is a dream I had a while back (before I knew what Asperger's was).  It's a weird one.  One that you wake up and go, 'Well . . . I don't know where the heck that came from.'  I dreamed that I got this disease where my nose would swell up real big and my face would change and I turned into a monster.  I was a funny looking monster, and I remember, in my dream, boldly making the decision to dedicate my life to entertaining children.  Maybe that meant something?  My Asperger's can be entertaining for my friends, I know that . . . but maybe just the idea of taking something seemingly bad, something that makes you feel different, and turning it into a way to help others.  Interesting.  I like parables and object lessons.  They're good for more than keeping you awake during Sunday school :).  Anyway, back to my story . . .

It must have been my sophomore year - yeah that was it - when Mom suggested I might have Asperger's.  She explained how it was a mild form of autism.  It kind of made sense.  I was little skeptical to believe it, if I remember correctly.  I think I just didn't really want to, in some ways, but then I really did too.  Mom decided to have some people come and run some tests on me.  That might be the most embarrassing thing I ever went through.  I was called out of class to come and have these people with big smiles ask me stupid questions about different word definitions or answer easy math problems.  I don't remember what I told people when they asked me why I was called out of class.  I think I told them they were doing some tests.  I really didn't feel like telling people, "Oh, I'm being tested for a developmental disorder I probably have."  I was the smart kid.  I had straight As.  People came to me on a regular basis for homework help (although sometimes I wasn't patient enough when they didn't understand, or so I've heard at least).  I didn't want people to know.  If they couldn't tell I was a social retard by talking to me they didn't need to know.  Anyhow, I didn't like the fact that I was being called out of class to have people psychoanalyze me (which is what I felt like they were doing).  I was determined I was gonna appear confident and they weren't gonna be able to tell there was anything wrong with me.  I tried hard to smile a lot and be confident, but it was hard seeing as they were there to find out if there was something wrong with me.  They had me do some stuff that made me feel stupid.  They gave me a picture of a mammoth and some cavemen and gave me time to write a story about it.  That wasn't too bad, just embarrassing.  Writing so they could analyze me.  Now don't get me wrong, these people were really nice.  They had a way of making you feel good.  They didn't talk to me like I was a retard like I sometimes feel like people do.  They were good at what they did.  But still.  At one point they told me I was gonna get a little break and they set some things out on the table and told me I could play with those while I was waiting.  At that point I kinda felt stupid.  I asked if I could work on my homework instead.  The lady working with me said, "Actually, why don't you try one of these things?"  Then I knew they were analyzing me.  They were testing my creativity or something.  I didn't know how to get around this one.  I forget what they had, except they had some science magazines and one of those toys with the pins in them so that when you push on one side the pins pop out in the shape of whatever you pushed on it with on the other side. . . what are they called?  Google break . . . aha, Pin Art.  They had a Pin Art toy out there.  I think they had some crayons and paper and building blocks or something . . . but the Pin Art toy really caught my attention.  I still love playing with those.  But for some reason I was embarrassed to try it.  The lady was looking at some papers or something I had been working on, but I knew she was watching me too.  I was so uncomfortable.  Even though it's not what I would have done on my own time, I picked up the science magazine and found an interesting article.  I only half absorbed what I read.  Thinking back on it, I think I showed them exactly what they were looking for.  I still don't quite understand.  Despite this, I still had a moment of glory.  When they brought out the math part, I did very well.  They said I did better than they'd really had anyone do before.  I was proud of that.  But since then I've learned that people with Asperger's often actually excel at math, and even often have above average IQ's.

To make it worse, I found out people had been watching me in class.  My English class was a great class.  The teacher is somewhat of a legend at our school (he moved to a different school to be closer to his family after my Sophomore year).  This English teacher, Mr. S, was one of the most loved teachers in the whole school.  Rightfully, too.  I can remember him acting out the story and using funny voices and arm gestures while we were reading Antigone by Sophocles.  He made boring stories exciting by showing excitement over them himself.  It wasn't rare for him to break out into song (including ones he made up).  He was nice to everyone, and students just seemed to behave in his class.  I really wanted him to like me.  Well, it was his class I was "observed" in.  Not only that, but when I walked into the room to be tested on day, Mr. S. was in there with them.  That was embarrassing.  Since then, I've decided that they probably ended up telling all my teachers anyway, although I haven't been sure I wanted to ask.  These people couldn't diagnose me I guess, but they did deem it necessary to give me extra time on tests at school if I needed it.  I got better grades than almost anyone in the school.  I wasn't taking extra time on tests.  Although - there were times I was the last person done with a test.  And times I felt really slow.  But I've worked on that.  Now it takes me about average time on most tests.  That was an easy thing to change.

Sophomore year was a big year for me.  Not only was it the year I learned about my Asperger's, it was the year I really started making friends.  There was this girl - we're still best friends - and she kind of found me and started talking to me (toward the end of the year).  We became really good friends.  She felt like she could trust me and tell me things she couldn't tell just anyone.  And now she probably knows me better than anyone else does, outside of my family, that is.  Sometimes it's really difficult because I still have Asperger's.  I think she thinks I understand more than I do sometimes.  But I'm really not sure.  It's hard for me to be close to her sometimes, because I've never really had a friend like her.  It's like once I learned I had Asperger's and started to get along pretty well with my peers and buddies, it was time for me to actually have to learn how to have a close friend.  And I'm still learning.  There were a couple other girls that I became better friends with (I hadn't had a close friend that was a girl for at least six years or so).  There were a couple of guys that I would hang out with comfortably as well.  Now I have a few close friends who I can really talk with.  I don't know how many of them know I have Asperger's, but I know my best friend I was talking about does.  She's told me, though, that she doesn't really see me that way, which made me feel good.  So - a personal thank you to that one special friend (she knows who she is).  You have no idea how much you've helped me to open up to the world!

Now the fact that I have Asperger's isn't nearly so bad.  I've figured out how to make the best of it.  It's just social situations that are still incredibly difficult sometimes, in ways I really can't explain, but I'm sure anyone with Asperger's can understand to some degree.  I can tell people easier now.  Obviously I don't mind people knowing since I'm posting it on the internet.  But just like the dream I had . . . I've gotta use what I've got to bless others.  I use my piano talents at church, my math skills at school (for my work and helping others), and here my writing and Asperger's are coming together to hopefully make a difference in another way.  This is Scotty, thanks for reading!  And thanks to God for letting me come this far!