My War With Me

So . . . just a couple days ago I was talking to my mom and she suggested that I try to write more about what I feel in my blog posts instead of just presenting the facts.  That's really hard for me (for reasons I'm about to explain).  I really don't know how to present this story I want to share, but I hope I can portray how this whole ordeal has made me feel.  It's something I don't really tell many people.  So if everything seems jumbled up and out of order, it is.  That's the way it all is in my head (for the most part), so maybe it'll make it more realistic.  Anyway, here goes nothing.

I love math.  In fact, I teach math.  My seventh period class is a teacher's aid for one of the math teachers.  Most every day this past school year I've had seventh graders coming down for me to help them with their homework.  One time I had this special ed kid, I'll call him John, who was pretty well frustrated with his homework.  He wanted to use a calculator to help him.  The conversation went something like this:

     "You don't need a calculator," I told him.

     "He's allowed," another kid said.  They informed me that he had ADD or something, and he was allowed to use a calculator.  I figured it would be good to ween him off of it a little.  He wasn't stupid, he was actually doing pretty well.  So I had him avoid using a calculator as much as possible.  I wasn't trying to be cruel, I knew he needed to learn to do math on his own, and it was obvious he was capable.  Later on he made a stupid mistake. I told him it was all right.  I don't remember exactly what he said back, but something to the effect of:

     "I need to use a calculator because I'm retarded." I know he used the word retarded. 

     "You aren't retarded," I said honestly.

     "Yeah I am.  I have ADD.  I'm in special ed."

     It had to be one of the saddest things I had ever heard in my high school career.  John wasn't retarded, he wasn't stupid, but because he was in special ed and he was allowed to use a calculator when other kids weren't he thought he was.  I won't get into my feelings about how the schools handle special ed students, but I'll just say it didn't help John's self esteem any.  The next thing I said surprised me, but I figured this kid needed to hear it.

     "I'm gonna tell you something I don't tell many people, okay?"  My heart was thumping.  Was I really about to tell this little ADD seventh grader this?  He looked at me with more interest.  Again, I don't remember exactly what I said, but it went something like this.

     "I have Asperger's," I said.  "Do you know what that it?"

     "Yes."

     There were other people in the classroom, so I explained anyway.

     "It's like autism, just very mild.  I haven't been officially diagnosed, but my mom's pretty sure I have it.  My case is mild, but the school would still have to give me extra time on tests if I wanted.  And I have straight As. I'm first in my class."

     And we finished the class period.  Without calculators, if I remember correctly.  And no more kids calling themselves retarded.  This experience with John is one the main reasons I feel like I need to share my story.

     Learning I had Asperger's syndrome had to be one of the hardest, most depressing struggles I've battled with in my whole life.  Just to give you an idea, here are some symptoms I found on WebMD.com (I don't know how reliable it is, but it's one of the first websites that popped up on Google).  Those of you who know me, especially my close friends and family, will probably nod and smile at some of these.  In fact, some of these "symptoms" are what make my friends laugh when I'm hanging out with them, which bugged me for a little, but now I realize I love making people laugh so I don't worry about it.  Who cares if Asperger's is what makes me fun?  My friends don't seem to.  Of course, most of them don't know I have Asperger's.  Anyway, the symptoms (I wonder if easily distracted is one of them?).  These are much more obvious in me when I'm tired:

Although there are many possible symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, the main symptom is severe trouble with social situations.

Let's just say . . . you have no idea.

Children with Asperger's syndrome may . . . not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.

Sound like me yet?  I'm a lot better now than I used to be.  I still have trouble.  I have a hard time knowing if I should go up to people and say hi, if they want to talk to me, when to make eye contact, when it's my turn to talk, when the story I'm telling is getting boring.  Little alarms go off in my head every time a pretty girl passes me in the hall, often even if it's one of my close friends.  Maybe that last one is more normal.  I really don't know.

Dislike any changes in routines.

You don't mess with my schedule.  I'm to the point where I don't get upset if  school is cancelled, unless I have drama club.  But if I have something set in my head, like a drama club practice, and it get's moved or we get started late or we decide to move our play to a different date it really messes with my head.  In fact, this school year has really stressed me out with classes, extra curricular activities, church, and trying to survive my social situations, yet I'm apprehensive about summer starting.  I'm in a routine with school, and, even though I'm excited for summer in many ways, the idea of my schedule changing drives me bonkers in ways "normal" people just can't understand.

Appear to lack empathy.

I can connect to other's feelings better now, but it's still tough and confusing.

Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.

My best friend from school says she needs a sign that says SARCASM to hold up for me.  It's one of our inside jokes . . . strangely, one of the things I don't mind as much about my Asperger's, except when people think you just don't have a sense of humor.  I don't think my speech is that bad, but I really don't know.  I know there have been times I've tried to be sarcastic and people couldn't tell.  I'm a lot better now, most of the time, around the people I really know and who really know me.  Ha ha.

Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."

Does anyone who knew me as a kid remember me doing that?  I really don't know . . . feel free to comment and let me know!

Avoid eye contact or stare at others.

Ha.  Ha ha.  I have to make an uncomfortably conscious effort against this one.

Have unusual facial expressions or postures

???

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about.

In other words - NERD!  Let's see . . . . Star Wars.  I know more about Star Wars than American History (sad, right?).  When I was younger I would get obsessed with different things so easily.  That's why Mom couldn't let me play video games.  That's all I would think about.

Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.

My close friends probably know what it means when it says internal thoughts are often verbalized.  I do that when I'm tired.  When I'm excited about something I can talk and talk about it.

Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.

Most food that I don't like is not because of the taste, but because of a strange or unfamiliar texture.  I'm very particular about what clothes I wear when.  If I wear the wrong pair of clothes at the wrong time, the texture is just weird.
Just a couple more. These are from the teen symptoms section.

Although teens with Asperger's can begin to learn those social skills they lack, communication often remains difficult. They will probably continue to have difficulty "reading" others' behavior.   Your teen with Asperger's syndrome (like other teens) will want friends but may feel shy or intimidated when approaching other teens. He or she may feel "different" from others. Although most teens place emphasis on being and looking "cool," teens with Asperger's may find it frustrating and emotionally draining to try to fit in. They may be immature for their age and be naive and too trusting, which can lead to teasing and bullying.All of these difficulties can cause teens with Asperger's to become withdrawn and socially isolated and to have depression or anxiety.

I've felt that.
I found this paragraph particularly interesting:

But some teens with Asperger's syndrome are able to make and keep a few close friends through the school years. Some of the classic Asperger's traits may also work to the benefit of your teen. Teens with Asperger's are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals. Their preference for rules and honesty may lead them to excel in the classroom and as citizens.

And one thing I've discovered: if you don't like it, change it.  I used to be too trusting, and I got bullied.  But I overcame that.  I don't like the social awkwardness.  And you know, much of it I just have to live with and deal with.  But it's getting better.  My Asperger's could be a partial explanation of why I do well in school.  I think people see me as a good citizen.  And I don't get in trouble.  A detention would mess with my routine (it's more than that, of course.  I was trying to be funny.  Feel free to laugh).  So now that you can kind of see how the Asperger's affects my life, for good and bad . . . well, this post is very long.  Next week I'll explain more of what I've gone through.  What it was like to learn I had Asperger's.  Depression I went through.  Friends who made a huge difference in my life.  I'm still embarrassed by my Asperger's, but I've come to realize that that's who God has made me, and he wouldn't have it otherwise.  In fact, I think some of my Asperger's traits will rise with me into the next life.  I hope so, anyway.  I've finally come to recognize my Asperger's as a blessing.  So anyway, this is Scotty, the Mormon teen with Asperger's trying his hardest to make a difference in the incredibly confusing world around him!  More to come next week!