Piano Playing as an Analogy For .. Like ... Everything

New blog post!
Yay!
Be excited!
Actually, I looked, and I do have over 2000 page views.  Which is like not really much of anything, since it's mostly probably random Google searches.  They would have to be very specific searches ...
Anyway, I haven't written in forever.  I think I'm writing more for me right now, than anything.  Got a few thoughts I wanna inscribe in the Internet before they disappear in the .... <insert creative analogy here> .... of time.
  But today I don't wanna write about Asperger's or religion very directly, although I'm sure they both influence everything I write, because they are both very much a part of my life.  I wanna write about the piano.  I'm at college now, working on a Biomedical Engineering degree, and pianos access on campus is rather limited.  So since I can't play the piano on a very regular basis, I am writing about instead.
  Time to get all touchy feely for a second - this is all about piano, just trust me.
  Recently in my life I've felt kind of stuck.  I feel like I've been progressing a lot in worldly knowledge, but maybe not so much as an individual.  Which (welp, here comes religion already) isn't really good, because I'm going on a mission this summer, and I should be like all fired up about the gospel, and learning a ton, and memorizing scriptures, and going out tracting with the missionaries, and handing out copies of the Book of Mormon (not Books of Mormon or Book of Mormons ... THE Book of Mormon was inscribed in gold plates, we've just got copies ... ), standing on the sidewalk corners crying repentance to all of campus, etc.  Well, maybe the last one was a little far, but still.  I'm doing a little, but just not enough.  And ... (okay, here comes the Asperger's already) ... well, being at an engineering school, being an Aspie is much more ... normal.  There are lots of us here.  It's a lot easier to just sit around and study or watch Stargate instead of actually going out and improving my social skills.  I feel like not only have I not progressed in that area, I've digressed a little bit.  I have friends that I talk to and spend time with a bit, but I feel myself kinda scared of and resisting new friendships, and just being happy with the few good friends I have.  Haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.  I guess just because it's an Asperger's thing doesn't make it a bad thing.  
  Goodness.  Well, that totally started going a direction I wasn't planning on.  Redirecting ...
  So piano.
  I remember a few months ago watching a home video, which took plays a few days after I learned my first song on piano, which, no surprise, was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  Not the fancy Mozart version, just one note at a time.  I plucked the keys carefully, slightly out of time, not holding the notes long enough.  It sounded choppy and stiff and not all that great.  But I was like six.  I was very proud of myself.
  A few years later, while I was still homeschooled, Mom, in her infinite wisdom, decided we should do half an hour of music related activity every day as part of our curriculum.  I didn't know what else to do, so I sat down and kept teaching myself piano.  Then one day I got to where I had to learn the bass cleft.  And play two hand simultaneously.  So I left the piano for a while.
  Seeing any life lessons creeping in here yet?  I'm not going to point them all out explicitly.  The piano, and music in general, is chock full of them.
  Anyway, I don't remember when I quit playing ... perhaps it was before Mom put music into our curriculum.  But I remember being discouraged because my younger brother was playing better than I was, and I had put more time into it than (or at least started before) he had.  I think at that time I did a bit of recorder playing, maybe harmonica.  The piano is way cooler than both, though.
  Eventually I got back to it.  It took a lot of time and effort, but I learned the bass cleft.  I could play two handed cords, pass a movement from one hand to the other and back again, play two different rhythms ... these were exciting times.  Instead of playing the stupid songs in the piano course books, I could sit down with a book of sheet music and start slowly, carefully, learning a real, full fledged, song.  After hours of practice, and the help of the sustain pedal, I could actually play a full length piano piece through.  And it started to kinda sound good!
  But there was soooo much more.  Anything with more than two sharps, and I was toast.  But that was fine, there were plenty songs  at my level.  
  One day I was playing from The Phantom of the Opera songbook.  I was playing Music of the Night ... a very calm, slow, relaxing, kinda creepy, and romantic song.  But I didn't see it like that.  It was four beats a measure, one count to a quarter note.  I hit the notes when they needed to be hit, trying hard to keep the tempo exact and steady.  It was very patterned.  Very mathematical.  Very ... Asperger's - y.  Dad came up and was like, "Hey, this is a very emotional song, you should put some feeling into it!"  And I was like, "What?"  And he was like, "Slow it down a little bit, try to feel it!"  (That's not exactly how it all went, but something like that).  So I did.  I kinda opened up my heart to the piano, let it spill out through my fingers onto the keys.  And all of the sudden it wasn't just notes stuck into a melody, it was music.  And that, my friends, is why I recommend music to anyone with a developmental disorder, especially an Autism spectrum one.  It is a astonishingly excellent way to open up the the right brain (recognizing faces, emotions, intuition, creativity, and pretty much everything not-Aperger's) and directly melding it with the left brain (logic, numbers, reasoning, and pretty much everything Asperger's).  I really believe his bridge between logic and patterns and creativity and emotion helped open the locked parts of my mind that Asperger's cleverly hid away.  
  Any who, back to life lessons.
  I realized no matter how much time I spent playing the piano, some songs on the shelf will still over my head.  No matter how much I practiced, I always found music that was too hard.  And I always knew people who could play better than I.  But I played a bit in church, and I loved that.  I had people tell me I played with my heart, which was wonderful to hear, considering my heart is (or was, at least) naturally a rather hidden and obscure place.  It gave me a way to express myself in ways words couldn't.  And I still sometimes do.  I'm all like, 'I feel kinda down, but I can't explain it' and then I'm all like, 'I really feel like this song'.  And I realized that was the important thing. Not how good I was at it, not how many people could play better than I could, but that I played.  And I loved it.  And when I played, it was ME playing.  
  And that's really how life goes.
  No matter where you are at, there is always someone better. No matter how much you try, you will always be less than you think you should be.  But no matter where you are, you have a place, and a purpose.  All you have to do is open up your heart to the world, open up to God, and give yourself up, whoever you may be.  And now matter how much you think there isn't a place for you, there is.
  Which is to say, no matter how much I think there isn't a place for me, there is.
  Sitting around thinking "Gosh, I wish I could play this song" doesn't do any good.  Sitting around and thinking "Hey, I can almost play this song, I'm gonna work on it", and then actually doing it ... now that's actually kind of useful.  
  Another funny thing to note is that you really tend to notice more mistakes and wrong notes than anyone listening does.  I've finished songs and thought "I totally botched that", when other people tell me, "That was great!  I didn't hear anything wrong!"
  People always say (well, not always, but you know what I mean) that you should leave the past behind you and never look back.  Well, that isn't totally true.  When I'm frustrated with a piano piece and feel like I'm just not getting anywhere, I look back at the first time I started playing Phantom of the Opera, and how choppy and difficult it was, but yet how easy it is to me now, and how much I've improved, and how if I've really improved that much, I'm sure I can go further.  When I looked back when I first started public school and how I was content sitting by myself at lunch doing Algebra or sitting in the corner building paper airplanes at a church party, and then at my first dances how scared I was and how stupid I sounded talking to the girls and how I wouldn't smile and I couldn't carry on a decent conversation and how I was deathly scared of large crowds, I realize the simple facts that ultimately I would rather be out around people or cheering in a crowd at a basketball game or hanging out with friends than entertaining myself with puzzles in my dorm room, or that I can leave a dance without feeling like a complete loser for days afterward, and that I can actually carry on a decent conversation with someone I barely know without them ever suspecting in the slightest I'm not neurotypical ... mean a lot.  Those were very long, grammatically butchered sentences.  But by looking back and seeing how far I've come, I realize, with more practice, I can continue to work toward who I want to be.  Not by focusing on my weaknesses, but by seeing my strengths, and pushing my weakness in that direction.  Someday, however difficult and scary it may seem, I will ask a girl out, and one day get married to an eternal companion.  Someday, no matter how difficult and scary it may seem, I will hold leadership roles in the church, and I will fulfill them.  Soon, no matter how difficult and scary it may seem, I will go knocking on random (but not really random) peoples' doors, sharing with them a message that could bring them eternal happiness.  These would really seem impossible, but I know how far I've come.  I just have to keep moving.  Keep practicing.  Keep playing that wonderful music that is life, and really only is life when you open up your heart and share it with the world.  
  And remember: there is always a piano piece you can't play ... yet.
~Scotty~

<once agan, i Refuse to profread.  Please excuce any tipos.  Or let me know and I will fix them, whutevs)

Music!!

So - once again it's been way too long since I've written. I had mentioned trying to write some poetry, but I'm not feeling poetry right now.  Actually, right now I feel like writing about music.  It's going to be more of a brain dump than anything - just writing whatever comes to mind.

   

My current favorite song is On My Own by Ashes Remain (my favorite song changes often).  They're a new Christian rock band.  This song is definitely worth looking up, and you can get it for free right now off iTunes from freeccm.com.  Here are the lyrics of the chorus:

Bring me out
Come and find me in the dark now
Everyday by myself I’m breaking down
I don’t wanna fight alone anymore
Bring me out
From the prison of my own pride
My God I need a hope I can’t deny
In the end I’m realizing
I was never meant to fight on my own

Not only do I really like the driving guitar and the fast paced vocals, I really like the words to this song.  It's all about how we need God in our lives and we don't have to go through this life by ourselves.  That message is one that I try to keep with me, and the style of music just really drives the point home.

Of course, I don't let music like this replace real worship music (meaning hymns).  This kind of music doesn't bring the spirit quite like hymns do.  It more helps me feel motivated and relieves stress.  One of my favorite hymns is Praise to the Man (hymn #27 in the LDS hymnbook).  For any non LDS readers, it is a hymn praising (not worshiping) Joseph Smith.  The chorus goes like this:

Hail to the Prophet, ascended to heaven!
Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.
Mingling with Gods, he can plan for his brethren;
Death cannot conquer the hero again.

Sometimes I get frustrated.  I have many non-Mormon friends, and it's difficult, because they believe so much differently than I do.  They don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet.  They don't believe that there are prophets today.  That would mean they believe that all that the early saints suffered was for nothing - everything that Joseph went through was for a lost cause.  Or maybe they believe none of it really happened.  Whatever the case, when I sing this song (or, more often, play it on the piano), I know that he was a prophet.  The spirit is so strong, I don't know how someone could deny the truth.  I realize that my friends are good people, and to be blunt, I think most of them will see someday, although most of them would read this and shake their heads.  Some would probably be sad because I'm "deceived."  But songs like this give me the faith to push on despite all that; to do my part to keep the legacy God restored through Brother Joseph alive.

Piano playing . . . :D.  If I have an addiction to anything, it is to playing piano.  Give me a Jim Brickman, David Lanz, or Jon Schmidt (my favorite new age piano artists) book and a piano, and I'll be happy for hours.  I play hymns during priesthood, seminary, mutual (sometimes), and I play for the ward choir.  I also have a Top Christian Hits of '09 - '10 music book that I play from, and, if I'm feeling really adventurous . . . try to sing along with.  My way of relieving stress after school is playing the piano.  It gives me a way to express my feelings.  If I'm feeling angry, sometimes I'll bang out Battle of the Heroes from Star Wars, or if I'm feeling somber I'll play Bittersweet by Jim Brickman.  The reverse also works, though.  Right now if I'm stressed and tired, instead of playing a stressful and tiring song, I might play First Run by Jon Schmidt (a song I am working hard to learn, but it's tough) or David Lanz' variations on Pachelbel's Canon in D Major to cheer/wake myself up.  I think one reason piano playing is so fulfilling for me is that I have worked very hard to learn the piano.  I have spent hours and hours stumbling over music until I could play it decently.  Every time I get good at some music, I move on to harder music I can't play yet (and there's always harder music).  It's something I can work at, and something I know I can do.  In that way, it's very motivational for me.

So yeah, thanks for reading, listen to good music, and if you can't you should definitely learn to play the piano!  (unless you really don't want to, of course)  Catcha next time,

~Scotty~

Contemplation on Academic Prowess (among other things) from the Viewpoint of Scotty

So - again I am unsure what exactly I want to write about.  Whatever I write about, I'll try to proofread it this time - my mom informed me my last post (the youth conference one) contained a lot of typos.  Whoops.  Anyhow, I've been thinking for a while about doing a post on academics.  Maybe provide both some insight into what school and learning is for me as a Mormon teen with Asperger's.  I feel like I don't really want to focus too much on the Asperger's, because the less I think about it the more it leaves me alone (or so it seems).  I think I want to focus on the religious side of academics.

     As I have probably mentioned before, I am ranked first in my small high school class of less than 70.  If I work really hard I'll still be ranked first by the end of next year - my senior year.  I am proud to say that in my years of school I have never once cheated.  Cheating seems to be quite common.  I've seen very smart people cheat, probably because they forgot an assignment or didn't have time to study and if they didn't get a good grade it would make them look bad.  I don't need to get into my rant about why cheating is bad and wrong no matter what the circumstance is, but I do want to say that I feel like I've been blessed for not cheating.  There have been times I have taken a poor grade when I could easily have cheated and gotten a good grade.  I feel like my diligence will take me far academically.  I need that, too.  Here's why (let me tell you a secret): a lot of the time, I really don't feel smart.  I can be very ditsy, actually, especially when I'm tired.  Yet somehow I can feel smart in math class or engineering class or English class and, on rare occasion, even history class.  I've been blessed with a good mind (it still needs quite a bit of work, but we're getting there), and I think it's because I try hard to put it to good use and to be honest.  So yeah, I think if I had to sum up my advice for doing well in school in one sentence, it would be something like: "Work hard, don't cheat, and attribute your knowledge to God."  Hey, with a little revision, I think I have a decent sentence right there!

     Is it sad that my posts always seem to find a way to academics?  Was that a rhetorical question, or am I expecting an answer?  I'm just kinda writing what comes to mind now.  Here's a good scripture (D&C 88):

77And I give unto you a commandment that you shall teach one another the doctrine of the kingdom.

78Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand;

79Of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and of kingdoms—

80That ye may be prepared in all things when I shall send you again to magnify the calling whereunto I have called you, and the mission with which I have commissioned you.

 So, really, even more important than academics is the knowledge of the gospel.  And from the sounds of it, it's important to know what's going on in the world as well.  That's one thing I'm not good at (one reason I don't feel smart; I know next to nothing about current events).  I should work on that.  So even if I slip up and I'm only salutatorian next year, as long as I learn the gospel well, I should be all right, right?  :)  Well, this is Scotty, thanks for reading, and I'm thinking about posting some original poetry next week . . . I'm a poetry kinda guy. 

Youth Conference 2011

I haven't made a blog post in forever now - which isn't good.  I was way gung-ho about it for a while, but I guess it wore off.  I wasn't sure what to write about it anymore.  But now I've got stuff!  I want to share my experience from my stake's Youth Conference this year.
      I had been excited about this trip for a while.  We were gonna drive to Palmyra, New York and Kirtland, Ohio.  I had been to Kirtland before, but never to Palmyra (except when I was too young to remember).  I couldn't wait to see the Sacred Grove, the Hill Cumorah, and just walk the places that Joseph Smith the prophet walked.  Then, as things always do for me right before Youth Conference, things just started to go wrong.  I realized I was supposed to have a study packet to spiritually prepare myself for the trip beforehand, and I never got one.  On the Thursday before we left, my online classes went down, not to be fixed until the night we left.  So then I was going to conference already behind in my classes and not properly prepared.  I had already committed to going, though.
    Sunday night we met at the ward building and drove up to the stake center.  There we had a fireside, went over a couple procedures (I really only remember the ones involving food), and then went to members houses to stay the night.  The members of the group I was in for the night were me, one other guy from my ward, and two other guys not in our ward.  First thing that happened was one of the other guys realized he forgot his tennis shoes, so we drove twenty minutes away to meet his mom to pick them up.  The cool things were that this guy was so nice about it and wouldn't have made us drive that far if we didn't want to, and that everyone made an adventure out of it.  There was no complaining at all.  So I got to know them pretty well.  They were amazing young men with very strong testimonies.  At one point in the evening, the guys from the other ward were talking about their experiences in dating.  They tried to do a group date every month.  It was so cool do hear one of them say, with firm resolution in his voice, "We have never done anything against the standards in For the Strength of Youth."  Sometimes I struggle because I sometimes feel more pressure to do what's right at school than at church.  My non-member friends know my standards and (almost always) respect them.  At church, sometimes there are disagreements about standards.  I hope these people never read this (I doubt they will), but I know some people who are really into violent, rated M video games.  I like to follow what it says in "For the Strength of Youth" which says, "Do not attend, view, or participate in entertainment that is ... violent ... in any way."  These video games are rated M for violence.  The point isn't that I think everyone should follow the standards the way I see them.  Why I bring this up is because I've had people try on multiple occasions to convince me those games are okay, when I'm perfectly willing to just not talk about it.  Well, these people at conference made me want to be a better person.  And I get that at my ward too, but not from everybody.  I felt like they were trying to build me up.  It was the first night of conference, and I had already had my testimony strengthened - my testimony of the saints of the church.
   The next day they split us up from the groups we were in into "van groups" for the drive up.  I was kinda sad to not be in the same group we were in Sunday night, but it was okay.  The drive up was rather uneventful.  I slept a lot.  Listened to music with a friend from my ward.  In Kirtland we toured the Whitney Store, the visitors center, and the temple.  It was way cool to stand in the school of the prophets room, where Christ appeared.  The temple was kind of neat because it's owned by the Community of Christ church.  The tour guide seemed like a nice guy, though, and our church and their church seem to get along really well.  That showed me that our church can certainly get along with other churches just fine, even a church that branched off of ours (we could view them as dissenters and enemies).
    From Kirtland we drove up to Palmyra.  We had dinner and played frisbee and whatever.  We were staying on a college campus.  I had a dorm room with one of my good friends from my ward (I was very grateful for that).  Then later that night we had a dance.  I wasn't feeling to good - I think it was mostly exhaustion.  The previous week I had been working a lot and hadn't gotten enough sleep.  My shyness and nervousness sort of compounded that.  So I kind of sat out for most of the dance.  It was the first church dance where I didn't dance with anyone, which made me sad.  A couple girls from my ward came over and talked to me a little bit, though, which was nice.  Towards the end of the dance, my brother, a good friend from my ward, someone in my Sunday night group, and I put on a skit.  That went really well.  It was worth sapping out the rest of my energy.  It helped me not feel like a complete loser.
    The next day, Tuesday, we toured most of the sites.  We went to the Smith farm, the Smith home, the printing shop where the printed the Book of Mormon, and probably some other places that I can't recall right at the moment.  It was really neat to feel the spirit there.  It was amazing to actually be in the place where the prophet Joseph walked, to walk the streets I'd heard all those stories about.  I loved the people in our stake and our ward that I was walking around with, and I could feel the spirit very strong.  By the print shop there was a little store (the Cumorah Shop or something), and I bought a t-shirt that says "I <3 Mormon Girls."  That night I played basketball with a couple youth and discovered even some Mormon basketball players can be cocky and annoying, but that's okay.  Most places you go you find a lot more than one person you don't like.  That night was the Hill Cumorah Pageant.  That was absolutely amazing.  I love drama productions, especially since I've been acting.  Well, it was really neat so see a huge production all about the Christ and the Book of Mormon and the restoration of the gospel.  See, I'm big on Christian music (that might have sounded random, but just hear me out).  I like to go to the Winter Jam tour, a big Christian music concert with lots of bands.  They consider that worship, and that's many people's form of worship.  I just go because it's fun.  But the pageant - it was loud, it was exciting, it was powerful, there were amazing special effects, and you could feel the spirit so strongly.  You could never feel the spirit that strong at a Christian rock concert.  Seeing that contrast, as well as the contrast to the creepy people with signs protesting the church outside the pageant, really strengthened my testimony.
   Wednesday was to be the day we went back home.  Before we did, we stopped at the Sacred Grove.  As we went in, there was some talking and all, you know.  But as time went on, it got quieter and quieter until we were all silently basking in the spirit.  I got a chance to sit by myself and pray.  I prayed for twenty minutes I believe, which really isn't that long, but it was for me.  It was so quiet and so peaceful.  It was kinda cool to think - not only had God the Father, Jesus Christ, and Joseph Smith been present in those woods, but so had the devil when he tried to stop Joseph from praying.  It was amazing how the immense power of the Godhead chased out all traces of the devil's presence in that area.  There is definitely a power left there.
  The ride home was actually one of my favorite parts of the trip.  My van consisted of me, two guys from my ward, and about nine girls I didn't know very well (if at all).  I have always been shy, especially around girls, and especially especially around Mormon girls.  I think I've always been rather intimidated by their strong spirits.  I often feel inferior.  Well, on this ride home, we had a ton of fun.  We played Mafia, threw paper back and forth, danced to music (often rocking the van back and forth), talked, and yeah.  I was able to loosen up and make some good friends, and that meant a lot to me.  So anyhow, thanks for reading, this is Scotty, the blogger too lazy to go back and proofread this post (please overlook any typos)!

My Testimony of Joseph Smith

It's Fast Sunday again, so I wanted to share a part of my testimony once more.  I shared my testimony of Christ last month, and this month . . . well, I was going to share my testimony of The Book of Mormon, but I think I will instead share my testimony of Joseph Smith.  That was a spur of the moment decision right there.  I had already prepared a few things on The Book of Mormon in my head, and I really don't have anything ready about Joseph Smith.  Maybe that will make it easier for the spirit to guide me.


First I want to share a scripture that shows the power of Joseph Smith's words.  This is from Joseph Smith History 1, part of verse 16 and verse 17:

I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.
17 It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!

I understand why it's a difficult concept for so many to grasp.  That a mere fourteen year old boy saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the latter days goes against the popular belief that the heavens are closed and God does not reveal word to his children.  What confuses me though is that plenty non-Mormon Christians certainly receive revelation.  Even those who seem to believe that God does not speak to man anymore receive of his guidance.  People still pray for help knowing what they should do with their lives. And God gives them direction.  It only makes sense that God would give us a prophet to receive modern revelation for all of us, just like he did in Bible times.  I mean, The Bible tells us a lot, and I'm not putting it down to any degree, but there are challenges and problems today that weren't as big of a deal in Bible times.  People can too easily misinterpret The Bible and twist the words around, but the words of modern day prophets can clarify and reinforce those teachings, adapting them for the day we live in.  I know Joseph Smith was a modern day prophet, and the Lord restored his full gospel to the earth through him.  Here is the chorus from one of my favorite hymns (Praise to the Man, Hymn#27):

Hail to the Prophet, ascended to heaven!  Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.  Mingling with Gods, he can plan for his brethren; Death cannot conquer the hero again.

This is an amazing song.  Every time I sing it I think about all that Joseph Smith did and how grateful I am that he went through what he went through.  No man would have endured the persecutions, jail time on false accusations, friends turning on him, tar and feathering, mobs, mocking, deaths, and so much more for a false cause.  I know Joseph Smith was directed by God to do all he did.  I know he translated The Book of Mormon, and that The Book of Mormon is the word of God.  I know God still speaks to our prophet, just like he spoke to Joseph Smith and the prophets before the coming of Christ. 


I guess this post was a little shorter, but I felt like this is what I should write today.  I will be gone next Sunday, so I will most likely not have another post for two weeks.  Anyway, this is Scotty, thanks for reading, and keep the faith!

Asperger's vs. Me - The Saga Begins

Well, strangely, I'm not quite sure what I want to write about today.  I've been thinking a lot about what I'm trying to do here.  I started out just trying to provide hope to people in general, you know.  I still want to do that, but I think I'm developing a more specific purpose.  I really think I need to be here to help people with Asperger's or the family members of people with Asperger's.  Because I've been able to work through so much of what I've struggled with, I feel like sort-of an in between person.  Maybe a bridge between Asperger's and - well - other people.  Sometimes it's painful to think about.  Sometimes I really just want the Asperger's to go away.  Sometimes it clouds my vision, makes things seem different than they really are.  And it's rough sometimes.  It can be depressing.  But there are great things as well.  Like when I actually talk to someone I don't know and have a genuine conversation without the other person thinking I'm nutso (sometimes I get that feeling.  Either they really think I'm strange or I just think they think I'm strange, if that makes sense.  Either one is quite possible).  Often I'll go and talk to Mom while she's in the kitchen and I'll tell her how exciting it was, I actually talked to someone!  I can never quite tell what she's thinking.  She kinda nods her head and says, "Good" without too much emotion, like she's really trying to be excited for me haha.  It just isn't as big of a deal to her, which I guess makes sense.  I've really never thought about this . . . I'm interested to hear what she has to say after she reads that.  And now I'm kinda lost - that often happens when I'm trying to think about people and emotions and why people do the things they do and act the way they act and say the things they say and make the faces they make when there's clearly a more logical way to communicate (that's me letting my Asperger's speak, by the way.  I'm not that ignorant.  Not all the time, that is).  Haha people are confusing.  They are probably confusing to everyone, but more so to people like me.  Anyhow - I was kind of planning on writing a little bit about what it was like to learn I had Asperger's.  I'll move onto that.  O.o

I've always thought I was different.  I believe I've gone into that a little bit in my other posts.  In fact, when I was little, I used to wonder if I was retarded or something and everyone else knew but me.  Maybe everyone tried to treat me normal so I would be happy.  It doesn't make too much sense now, thinking back on it.  But it was a real feeling.  For a while I thought I felt different because I was home schooled.  That seemed to make sense.  Then I went to school.  I still felt . . . home schooled.  That strange feeling inside of being different that I had come to relate with home school didn't go away.  It couldn't have been my religion - I felt that way at church too. 

Random interruption before I move on (my brain gets to jumping around sometimes).  It goes along with what I'm trying to say.  This is a dream I had a while back (before I knew what Asperger's was).  It's a weird one.  One that you wake up and go, 'Well . . . I don't know where the heck that came from.'  I dreamed that I got this disease where my nose would swell up real big and my face would change and I turned into a monster.  I was a funny looking monster, and I remember, in my dream, boldly making the decision to dedicate my life to entertaining children.  Maybe that meant something?  My Asperger's can be entertaining for my friends, I know that . . . but maybe just the idea of taking something seemingly bad, something that makes you feel different, and turning it into a way to help others.  Interesting.  I like parables and object lessons.  They're good for more than keeping you awake during Sunday school :).  Anyway, back to my story . . .

It must have been my sophomore year - yeah that was it - when Mom suggested I might have Asperger's.  She explained how it was a mild form of autism.  It kind of made sense.  I was little skeptical to believe it, if I remember correctly.  I think I just didn't really want to, in some ways, but then I really did too.  Mom decided to have some people come and run some tests on me.  That might be the most embarrassing thing I ever went through.  I was called out of class to come and have these people with big smiles ask me stupid questions about different word definitions or answer easy math problems.  I don't remember what I told people when they asked me why I was called out of class.  I think I told them they were doing some tests.  I really didn't feel like telling people, "Oh, I'm being tested for a developmental disorder I probably have."  I was the smart kid.  I had straight As.  People came to me on a regular basis for homework help (although sometimes I wasn't patient enough when they didn't understand, or so I've heard at least).  I didn't want people to know.  If they couldn't tell I was a social retard by talking to me they didn't need to know.  Anyhow, I didn't like the fact that I was being called out of class to have people psychoanalyze me (which is what I felt like they were doing).  I was determined I was gonna appear confident and they weren't gonna be able to tell there was anything wrong with me.  I tried hard to smile a lot and be confident, but it was hard seeing as they were there to find out if there was something wrong with me.  They had me do some stuff that made me feel stupid.  They gave me a picture of a mammoth and some cavemen and gave me time to write a story about it.  That wasn't too bad, just embarrassing.  Writing so they could analyze me.  Now don't get me wrong, these people were really nice.  They had a way of making you feel good.  They didn't talk to me like I was a retard like I sometimes feel like people do.  They were good at what they did.  But still.  At one point they told me I was gonna get a little break and they set some things out on the table and told me I could play with those while I was waiting.  At that point I kinda felt stupid.  I asked if I could work on my homework instead.  The lady working with me said, "Actually, why don't you try one of these things?"  Then I knew they were analyzing me.  They were testing my creativity or something.  I didn't know how to get around this one.  I forget what they had, except they had some science magazines and one of those toys with the pins in them so that when you push on one side the pins pop out in the shape of whatever you pushed on it with on the other side. . . what are they called?  Google break . . . aha, Pin Art.  They had a Pin Art toy out there.  I think they had some crayons and paper and building blocks or something . . . but the Pin Art toy really caught my attention.  I still love playing with those.  But for some reason I was embarrassed to try it.  The lady was looking at some papers or something I had been working on, but I knew she was watching me too.  I was so uncomfortable.  Even though it's not what I would have done on my own time, I picked up the science magazine and found an interesting article.  I only half absorbed what I read.  Thinking back on it, I think I showed them exactly what they were looking for.  I still don't quite understand.  Despite this, I still had a moment of glory.  When they brought out the math part, I did very well.  They said I did better than they'd really had anyone do before.  I was proud of that.  But since then I've learned that people with Asperger's often actually excel at math, and even often have above average IQ's.

To make it worse, I found out people had been watching me in class.  My English class was a great class.  The teacher is somewhat of a legend at our school (he moved to a different school to be closer to his family after my Sophomore year).  This English teacher, Mr. S, was one of the most loved teachers in the whole school.  Rightfully, too.  I can remember him acting out the story and using funny voices and arm gestures while we were reading Antigone by Sophocles.  He made boring stories exciting by showing excitement over them himself.  It wasn't rare for him to break out into song (including ones he made up).  He was nice to everyone, and students just seemed to behave in his class.  I really wanted him to like me.  Well, it was his class I was "observed" in.  Not only that, but when I walked into the room to be tested on day, Mr. S. was in there with them.  That was embarrassing.  Since then, I've decided that they probably ended up telling all my teachers anyway, although I haven't been sure I wanted to ask.  These people couldn't diagnose me I guess, but they did deem it necessary to give me extra time on tests at school if I needed it.  I got better grades than almost anyone in the school.  I wasn't taking extra time on tests.  Although - there were times I was the last person done with a test.  And times I felt really slow.  But I've worked on that.  Now it takes me about average time on most tests.  That was an easy thing to change.

Sophomore year was a big year for me.  Not only was it the year I learned about my Asperger's, it was the year I really started making friends.  There was this girl - we're still best friends - and she kind of found me and started talking to me (toward the end of the year).  We became really good friends.  She felt like she could trust me and tell me things she couldn't tell just anyone.  And now she probably knows me better than anyone else does, outside of my family, that is.  Sometimes it's really difficult because I still have Asperger's.  I think she thinks I understand more than I do sometimes.  But I'm really not sure.  It's hard for me to be close to her sometimes, because I've never really had a friend like her.  It's like once I learned I had Asperger's and started to get along pretty well with my peers and buddies, it was time for me to actually have to learn how to have a close friend.  And I'm still learning.  There were a couple other girls that I became better friends with (I hadn't had a close friend that was a girl for at least six years or so).  There were a couple of guys that I would hang out with comfortably as well.  Now I have a few close friends who I can really talk with.  I don't know how many of them know I have Asperger's, but I know my best friend I was talking about does.  She's told me, though, that she doesn't really see me that way, which made me feel good.  So - a personal thank you to that one special friend (she knows who she is).  You have no idea how much you've helped me to open up to the world!

Now the fact that I have Asperger's isn't nearly so bad.  I've figured out how to make the best of it.  It's just social situations that are still incredibly difficult sometimes, in ways I really can't explain, but I'm sure anyone with Asperger's can understand to some degree.  I can tell people easier now.  Obviously I don't mind people knowing since I'm posting it on the internet.  But just like the dream I had . . . I've gotta use what I've got to bless others.  I use my piano talents at church, my math skills at school (for my work and helping others), and here my writing and Asperger's are coming together to hopefully make a difference in another way.  This is Scotty, thanks for reading!  And thanks to God for letting me come this far!

My War With Me

So . . . just a couple days ago I was talking to my mom and she suggested that I try to write more about what I feel in my blog posts instead of just presenting the facts.  That's really hard for me (for reasons I'm about to explain).  I really don't know how to present this story I want to share, but I hope I can portray how this whole ordeal has made me feel.  It's something I don't really tell many people.  So if everything seems jumbled up and out of order, it is.  That's the way it all is in my head (for the most part), so maybe it'll make it more realistic.  Anyway, here goes nothing.

I love math.  In fact, I teach math.  My seventh period class is a teacher's aid for one of the math teachers.  Most every day this past school year I've had seventh graders coming down for me to help them with their homework.  One time I had this special ed kid, I'll call him John, who was pretty well frustrated with his homework.  He wanted to use a calculator to help him.  The conversation went something like this:

     "You don't need a calculator," I told him.

     "He's allowed," another kid said.  They informed me that he had ADD or something, and he was allowed to use a calculator.  I figured it would be good to ween him off of it a little.  He wasn't stupid, he was actually doing pretty well.  So I had him avoid using a calculator as much as possible.  I wasn't trying to be cruel, I knew he needed to learn to do math on his own, and it was obvious he was capable.  Later on he made a stupid mistake. I told him it was all right.  I don't remember exactly what he said back, but something to the effect of:

     "I need to use a calculator because I'm retarded." I know he used the word retarded. 

     "You aren't retarded," I said honestly.

     "Yeah I am.  I have ADD.  I'm in special ed."

     It had to be one of the saddest things I had ever heard in my high school career.  John wasn't retarded, he wasn't stupid, but because he was in special ed and he was allowed to use a calculator when other kids weren't he thought he was.  I won't get into my feelings about how the schools handle special ed students, but I'll just say it didn't help John's self esteem any.  The next thing I said surprised me, but I figured this kid needed to hear it.

     "I'm gonna tell you something I don't tell many people, okay?"  My heart was thumping.  Was I really about to tell this little ADD seventh grader this?  He looked at me with more interest.  Again, I don't remember exactly what I said, but it went something like this.

     "I have Asperger's," I said.  "Do you know what that it?"

     "Yes."

     There were other people in the classroom, so I explained anyway.

     "It's like autism, just very mild.  I haven't been officially diagnosed, but my mom's pretty sure I have it.  My case is mild, but the school would still have to give me extra time on tests if I wanted.  And I have straight As. I'm first in my class."

     And we finished the class period.  Without calculators, if I remember correctly.  And no more kids calling themselves retarded.  This experience with John is one the main reasons I feel like I need to share my story.

     Learning I had Asperger's syndrome had to be one of the hardest, most depressing struggles I've battled with in my whole life.  Just to give you an idea, here are some symptoms I found on WebMD.com (I don't know how reliable it is, but it's one of the first websites that popped up on Google).  Those of you who know me, especially my close friends and family, will probably nod and smile at some of these.  In fact, some of these "symptoms" are what make my friends laugh when I'm hanging out with them, which bugged me for a little, but now I realize I love making people laugh so I don't worry about it.  Who cares if Asperger's is what makes me fun?  My friends don't seem to.  Of course, most of them don't know I have Asperger's.  Anyway, the symptoms (I wonder if easily distracted is one of them?).  These are much more obvious in me when I'm tired:

Although there are many possible symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, the main symptom is severe trouble with social situations.

Let's just say . . . you have no idea.

Children with Asperger's syndrome may . . . not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.

Sound like me yet?  I'm a lot better now than I used to be.  I still have trouble.  I have a hard time knowing if I should go up to people and say hi, if they want to talk to me, when to make eye contact, when it's my turn to talk, when the story I'm telling is getting boring.  Little alarms go off in my head every time a pretty girl passes me in the hall, often even if it's one of my close friends.  Maybe that last one is more normal.  I really don't know.

Dislike any changes in routines.

You don't mess with my schedule.  I'm to the point where I don't get upset if  school is cancelled, unless I have drama club.  But if I have something set in my head, like a drama club practice, and it get's moved or we get started late or we decide to move our play to a different date it really messes with my head.  In fact, this school year has really stressed me out with classes, extra curricular activities, church, and trying to survive my social situations, yet I'm apprehensive about summer starting.  I'm in a routine with school, and, even though I'm excited for summer in many ways, the idea of my schedule changing drives me bonkers in ways "normal" people just can't understand.

Appear to lack empathy.

I can connect to other's feelings better now, but it's still tough and confusing.

Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.

My best friend from school says she needs a sign that says SARCASM to hold up for me.  It's one of our inside jokes . . . strangely, one of the things I don't mind as much about my Asperger's, except when people think you just don't have a sense of humor.  I don't think my speech is that bad, but I really don't know.  I know there have been times I've tried to be sarcastic and people couldn't tell.  I'm a lot better now, most of the time, around the people I really know and who really know me.  Ha ha.

Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."

Does anyone who knew me as a kid remember me doing that?  I really don't know . . . feel free to comment and let me know!

Avoid eye contact or stare at others.

Ha.  Ha ha.  I have to make an uncomfortably conscious effort against this one.

Have unusual facial expressions or postures

???

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about.

In other words - NERD!  Let's see . . . . Star Wars.  I know more about Star Wars than American History (sad, right?).  When I was younger I would get obsessed with different things so easily.  That's why Mom couldn't let me play video games.  That's all I would think about.

Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.

My close friends probably know what it means when it says internal thoughts are often verbalized.  I do that when I'm tired.  When I'm excited about something I can talk and talk about it.

Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures.

Most food that I don't like is not because of the taste, but because of a strange or unfamiliar texture.  I'm very particular about what clothes I wear when.  If I wear the wrong pair of clothes at the wrong time, the texture is just weird.
Just a couple more. These are from the teen symptoms section.

Although teens with Asperger's can begin to learn those social skills they lack, communication often remains difficult. They will probably continue to have difficulty "reading" others' behavior.   Your teen with Asperger's syndrome (like other teens) will want friends but may feel shy or intimidated when approaching other teens. He or she may feel "different" from others. Although most teens place emphasis on being and looking "cool," teens with Asperger's may find it frustrating and emotionally draining to try to fit in. They may be immature for their age and be naive and too trusting, which can lead to teasing and bullying.All of these difficulties can cause teens with Asperger's to become withdrawn and socially isolated and to have depression or anxiety.

I've felt that.
I found this paragraph particularly interesting:

But some teens with Asperger's syndrome are able to make and keep a few close friends through the school years. Some of the classic Asperger's traits may also work to the benefit of your teen. Teens with Asperger's are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals. Their preference for rules and honesty may lead them to excel in the classroom and as citizens.

And one thing I've discovered: if you don't like it, change it.  I used to be too trusting, and I got bullied.  But I overcame that.  I don't like the social awkwardness.  And you know, much of it I just have to live with and deal with.  But it's getting better.  My Asperger's could be a partial explanation of why I do well in school.  I think people see me as a good citizen.  And I don't get in trouble.  A detention would mess with my routine (it's more than that, of course.  I was trying to be funny.  Feel free to laugh).  So now that you can kind of see how the Asperger's affects my life, for good and bad . . . well, this post is very long.  Next week I'll explain more of what I've gone through.  What it was like to learn I had Asperger's.  Depression I went through.  Friends who made a huge difference in my life.  I'm still embarrassed by my Asperger's, but I've come to realize that that's who God has made me, and he wouldn't have it otherwise.  In fact, I think some of my Asperger's traits will rise with me into the next life.  I hope so, anyway.  I've finally come to recognize my Asperger's as a blessing.  So anyway, this is Scotty, the Mormon teen with Asperger's trying his hardest to make a difference in the incredibly confusing world around him!  More to come next week!